Echoes of an Empty Mind
by NutsieDreamer
Summary: Empty, inky blackness. A light sparks, hot and white before melding to red. A low rumble sounds in your head, forcing the pieces of your soul back together. Crunching, cracking, breaking and molding. The voice calls to you, beckons you. Be determined. You respond back. I am determined to make this time different.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/n this is probably going to be shite but it was in my head and I wanted it out, so here it is. Sorry if all the characters seem OOC. It's because I suck. And sorry if some of the things are out of order… or whatever? I've played the game yes, but not extensively. I'm using internet resources to pull up a lot of the conversations in game, but its hard to remember where they go.**_

 _ **Oh, and I also will/have changed some of the dialogue to what I think I would happen. Probably. Maybe. Not actually? So it's kind of the game, but also altered a bit because... well, you'll see.**_

 _ **Trigger warnings, I guess. I mean, I deal a lot with the topic of self-harm/suicide in this, so be warned. If I manage to be a good enough writer to give you feels too, I'm sorry for that. These feels probably won't be nice feels either.**_

 _ **Everything is kind of reader like; but it's supposed to be Frisk. So I guess you are Frisk now (again)? I dunno… I just felt 2nd hand POV fits better, but maybe its just because I like 2nd hand POV haha**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not in any way own Undertale, nor any of its characters/themes/etc. I'm just... writing about it because it sparks a good platform for imaginative writing.**_

* * *

 **Echoes of An Empty Mind**

 **Chapter 1.**

* * *

 _Empty, inky blackness._

A light sparks, hot and white before melding to red. A low rumble sounds in your head, forcing the pieces of your soul back together. Crunching, cracking, breaking and molding. The voice calls to you, beckons you. _**Be determined**_ _._

You respond back.

 _I am determined to make this time_ _ **different**_ _._

You fall down. Fast, hard, intense. The fall should have killed you, maimed you at the least, but none of that happens. Slowly you stand up, bracing yourself. Creaking your eyes open you notice that a bed of flowers lies under you. You caress the soft petals, wondrously. You hadn't done this in the _before;_ you hadn't noticed anything in the _before._ Spots of blackness appear in your eyes, dotting the smiling bright yellow with sickly black and red. A _hiss_ vibrates around you. Something slithers over your skin, invisible, fleeting and cold. Your bones lock in fear, and you stop breathing for a few seconds. This _feeling_ was just like the _before._

The whispers start again. You panic, flailing around in the bed of flowers. Some of them get ripped up by your actions as you try pulling at your hair, kicking out your legs. You don't want the voices in your head. _You don't want the voices in your head. You don't want to listen to the voices in you d._

The voice jeers at you, explaining you and _**it**_ were tied, forever. You had committed such sin, such atrocities in the _before_. Your soul was now theirs, you two were tied by the inky redness each of you shared. You whimper, and it just laughs. _**I'll get what I want in the end**_ _._ It proclaims eerily. You flail and panic some more, but it's pointless.

The voice was in your head.

Paralyzing fear for a few minutes, a period of held, bated breath. Your muscle shake at your tense, unmoving position.

Nothing.

You take a few calming breaths, trying to reason with yourself. So far, the hatred had _not_ consumed you. You were _you_ , sort of. You just had to… move along, somehow. It was all you could think to do. So you try to ignore the voice slithering through your mind, invading your thoughts. You had to stay calm, _not_ angry, _not_ vicious _. You couldn't succumb like you had last time._

You bend down to the flowers you had accidentally ripped out in your panic. "Sorry" You mutter to them, trying to apologize for your actions. The whispers laugh at you, taunting you. Hating you.

 _ **You can't apologize for being the monster that you are.**_

 _ **Especially after what you've done.**_

You shake your head and move on. Ignoring the whispering taunts and jeers. _You were going to make this time_ t _. You were going to_ make up _for the_ e.

You meet the Flower, just like you had last time. Its words are similar to the _before_ and that worries you slightly. Everything was supposed to be different, this time around; why was it so similar?

You didn't want it to be like the _before_. That thought makes you jittery, anxious and perturbed. Your feet tip into each other painfully and you accidentally trip unto one of the pellets. The Flower laughs at you, condemning you to death. It's face morphs into the twisted grinning one you remembered always seeing in the _before_ , its cackling, howling words of malicion slithering around you. The pellets converge on you, and you stare up HoPelessly. Did you already mess up so badly that you were to die now?

Suddenly, a ball of flame gushes forth, tossing the flower to the side. You had forgotten the goat mother SAVEs you here. That events happen, regardless. Instead of looking at her kind face, which brought on mixed emotions and a slight tinge of fear and shame, you watch the Flower fly off. The flames had not killed it, but merely sent it a few feet from you, now incapable of harming you. It folds unto the ground painfully, twisting in on itself. Your vision shifts momentarily and suddenly you see the _before_ memory of it, limp, listless and smashed. Petals scattered haphazardly around the twisted, bent and contorted stem. Your was knife still poised, content to strike _**again and again and again.**_

 _ **And you did.**_

Your breathing hitches, before the goat mother's soothing words call to you, drowning out the memory. You flinch away from the hand she extends, the kindness only shaming you. Your eyes flash and you remember her bowed on the floor in front of you, silent, sad and still. You remember murdering her, so calmly, calculatively and cruel.

The way that she continues to smile at you, kind, generous and sweet is just a slap in the face. It's a reminder of how terrible you had been before, how gutless, how violent; not a hint of MERCY in your SOUL. You blink away the tears and follow behind her meekly.

The whispers echo in your ear, just like they had before. But the message this time is different.

 _ **You are a monster and nobody knows.**_

!-!-!-!-!-!

Everything happens similarly to the before, with the goat mother leading you through the ruins for a couple of puzzles before claiming you need to learn independence. She hands you a cell phone. You shake slightly, staring at the piece of electronic machinery, afraid to be alone with the voice. So far you weren't succumbing to the hate, but it was there. At the corner of your mind. _Suffocating._

You want to call the goat mother, have her soothing tones relieve you of your panic, but you don't. You move forward cautiously, anxiously. You stutter and blanch as you catch a glimpse of the Flower out of the corner of your eye. It disappears with a smile and a wink. You fear it knows. You fear it can tell.

The voice says it's not possible. _**We had made sure he would forget.**_

You don't know if thats concern for the Flower quivering in the voices tone, but decide not to ask. You don't want to try talking to the voice in your head, for fear it could make the _before_ happen again. You don't know if you are strong enough, **determined** enough to keep that from happening.

The goat mother's ramble at the end of the hall only made you feel more ashamed of the _before_. Yet, also firm on setting everything right. You _weren't_ going to succumb to the hatred. You _weren't_ going to let it taint you, blind you, feed you lies and give you aimless actions of violence. You even just take _one_ candy from the bin, unlike _before._ The voice can't taunt you for being greedy this time.

You continue on, the voice rambling away at what you were seeing- as if you hadn't seen it the last time you were here. But this time, you were touching, feeling and reading were able to see and explore, which was nice. _This isn't like the before_. Everything had been so uninteresting and bland in the _before_. In the _before_ nothing really had mattered because all you did was-

 _ **K i l l. You killed everything, didn't you? Such a torrid little monster.**_

 _ **I hate things like you.**_

You decide to think of nothing for a while. The voice would always comment if you were thinking. At least if you thought of nothing, it would say nothing too.

You approach many different beings in the ruins. Mostly frog-like creatures, a few moldy-ones, a couple of flying creatures and some strange vegetables. You greet them all pleasantly, ignoring the snide comments the voice gives you to taunt, to jeer and to laugh at them. Instead you force yourself to talk, to smile and to simply listen.

None of them die.

It's a bitter relief each time you manage to safely talk, or simply listen, to one of the creatures you encounter. Each one is a personal victory, a satisfactorily gained score you keep to yourself. A small grin flashes each time. You are so proud of what you've accomplished. Each of the numbers in your head was now, _finally,_ meaningful.

 _ **Keeping a count? Just like you ha e? How sick.**_

You immediately stop counting.

You meet more monsters as you numbly continue your way forward, but you only flee from them. The goat mother calls you, but you hang up, as quickly as you could. You don't feel capable of trying to talk, or to listen, or to smile. You just want to be left alone. You don't want to hurt anyone.

Your phone begins to ring like crazy. The voice comments that mother will not stop trying to call you.

You turn it off.

A small, minute sense of relief fills you. You didn't have to try to plaster on a happy tone. But the guilt creeps up too, she was only being kind and sweet to you.

 _ **And then you had to go on and kill her**_.

You toss your head. _No no. That hasn't happened! She's still alive!_ In a slight panic, just to make sure, you turn the phone on for a brief second. It rings again, the goat mother is calling you. You sigh, turning the phone off once more. You continue, feeling a bit better. But not really.

Then you come upon the Ghost. It repeatedly says _zzzzz_ to you, as if it was trying to sleep. The voice in your head laughs at that, like it had _before._ It found the ghost's pretending ridiculously funny.

You don't think it's that funny. Pretending to be something else was something you feel you could relate to.

 _ **Well, go on. Push him. Kill him. Don't you want to move forward?**_

Instead all you can find yourself doing is staring. You reached out, as if to push him, but can't seem to continue the motion. You both stay like this for what seems to be an eternity.

"Please move." You whimper out, finally finding your voice. You say it again. And again. The ghost doesn't respond. Your heart beats rapidly. _This was what happened in the before as well. I pushed him. I_ _ **pushed**_ _him. I don't want the before to happen again. Please don't let the before happen again._

Finally, _finally_ , you briefly touch the incorporeal body. Your hand phases through it, but it's enough to rouse the ghost from its pretending to interact with you.

It apologizes. You apologize back. It cries slightly, the tears burning little droplets in your body. You cry too, smushing your eyes closed against the unwanted thoughts, the tears slipping through the cracks and dripping down your face. You're too scared to move, too concerned with the possibility of everything going _wrong_ and the _before happening again because-_

 _ **Monsters only attack things.**_

" _Ohh…."_ The ghosts sighs, dejected, " _I'm sorry I made you cry."_ It continues, despondent, " _I'll just leave now…."_ You crack your one eye open to find it floating away from you.

The relief is immense. _You didn't do anything to it._ You're slightly concerned that you made it upset though. _But the before didn't happen_. _You did it._

 _ **It doesn't matter. He was a ghost anyway, not like we could have physically hurt him. You should already know that, from before.**_

You bit your lip as you cross between the space that the Ghost had been lying in. You would have rather not been reminded of _that._ Suddenly, a little smile lights up on your face, as you recognize where you were. Off to the small corridor in front of you was the room that held the quaint little bake sale of the spiders. You rush inside, feeling a bit better now. You had been preparing for this moment, diligently collecting the shiny coins that had stuck fast in the cracks of the walls in the ruins. You pull out the small bits of money, hoping that what you had was enough. In your haste to reach the webbing for a small, pastry donut, the coins tumble out of your palm. They clang onto the ground, a few of them getting caught in the web. A spider crawls down at the sound, and you pick up the rest of them, offering all that you had to the little spider. It shakes its head at you.

You don't have enough.

For some reason tears, bitter and harsh, swell in your eyes. You hadn't bought anything in the _before_ either; you hadn't _**wanted**_ food then. Not like you wanted anything to eat _now_ , but you just wanted everything to be _different_. The tears fumble down your cheeks, and you reject your money the spider tries to offer back to you.

"It doesn't matter, I won't get enough for anything anyway." You say dejectedly to the spider, before heading off, "I'm sorry." You call out, shuffling your way to further in the ruins. The sadness swells in your SOUL. You had _so wanted it to be different._ Buying something from the spiders was _going to be a sign of that difference._

 _ **Why are you trying so hard to make it all seem different? You aren't any different on the inside from before. You're still that horrible little monster.**_

You stealthy avoid the next couple of frog monsters in the room ahead, as you try to focus on _nothing_. Solving the puzzles adds a little distraction to your mind, and the voice is too busy decoding the words of the signs, and describing the world around you to mention any other things. Other monsters encounter you, but you simply run from them (again). You are too fearful of accidentally doing something in order to make any sort of conversation. Not to mention, you didn't particularly feel ready to talk to anyone.

And then suddenly you are _there._ You were at the junction that lead you to the goat mother's house. But further up ahead you also knew there was a-

 _ **Toy knife. Get it. You need to complete your outfit. The REAL knife will come later, as you already know.**_

Immediately you run to the goat mother's home, not bothering to listen to the frog that tries to tell you the goat mother was around somewhere- or had went to get something. You don't really recall what he had said; it was so long ago for you now.

And it didn't matter. All that matter was escaping from the _e_.

You run straight into the goat mother, and she worriedly places a hand on your shoulder. You shrink away from her, biting back a scream.

"My child, are you alright? I tried calling, but you did not answer." She asks, voice full of concern and kindness for you. You want to yell at her, _scream at her "no, no I am not alright_!" But your voice locks, and your throat closes. You look up into the tender eyes of the motherly creature before you and you can't bring yourself to say anything about your sins.

You can't tell her how much of a monster you are. Instead you finally find the excuse that the battery on the phone had been dead. You didn't even know she had called you. The lie sticks to your throat, slimy and foul.

The goat mother tenderly takes your hand again, apologizing for not being able to guide you, apologizing for giving you a phone that did not work. She also claims a pie had been made for you, and she had been busy making everything _perfect_ for your arrival.

Guilt crawls up your back. Shame weighs down your soul.

"I was calling to ask you for your favoured preference, but I feel like maybe I already know. I used butterscotch, but I also put in cinnamon. You do not dislike those flavors together, now do you my child?" You shake your head.

"Wonderful! The pie is too hot to eat right now, but perhaps later you can a have a slice," The goat lady looks down at you, her eyes crinkling in concern, "And please, my child, feel free to rest. Your face looks like you are very weary. And if you are upset you can always come talk to me."

You know you won't be able to talk to her about this.

You can't talk to anyone about this. About how you them. About how much of a monster you really are.

 _ **Let's go inside, shall we? I want to see what mother did to my room!**_

You meekly follow the voices suggestion.

The goat mother keeps up a plethora of conversation, filling in the silence of your own responses. Every so often these worried gazes fall onto your sculpture features, but the goat mother voices none of her concerns. Instead she offers you food, candy, companionship, comfort.

Seeing the way she tries, you try yourself. You give her a smile, but it falters as soon as she looks away. You manage to say a few things to her, to keep a small conversation going, but it lacks substance.

Nothing was going right, like you had wanted it to. You weren't being happy, like you thought you would after you had finally _**finally**_ won over the anger and pain from _before._

But it's so _**hard**_ being happy when- just below you- was this kind goat mother's grave. Her shattered soul was down there, her dust coating the cold stone floor. The last breath she had drawn an echoing haunt of the silent corridor.

You gulp back tears as you listen to her tell you interesting facts about snails. She was smiling at you, reaching out and touching your head, hands, arms. Constantly, she was somehow always reaching out and touching you comfortingly. Each of those touches seemed to burn you.

 _ **She certainly is acting different.**_ The voice comments in your head _**She wasn't this feel-y, before.**_ You give a shaky laugh under your breath. You didn't know what this signified, but it only left you uneasy.

 _ **Maybe she's trying to guilt you into not killing her this time? After all, we should be leaving soon.**_

You bolt up from your spot in front of her, declaring loudly you wanted to rest. The goat mother closes her book pleasantly, and bides you a good night. You all but run from her.

Try as you may, any semblance of sleep evades you. After a few silent moments, you hear the goat mother come in softly and leave a plate of the pie out for you. Her kindness chokes you, causing more bitter tears to burn their way down your cheeks. It was suffocating here. It was oppressing here.

But you feared moving forward more so than staying still with your SOUL-crushing grief.

 _ **Stop this pitying. We need to move forward.**_

With shaky breaths, you manage to slip out of the bed and pocket the piece of pie. You never really understood why the urge to move forward was such a strong one- an urge that even the voice in your head heeded- but it was constantly there.

But now, you had a more personally reason to leave. After all, if you left, the images of the goat mother's ashes would _perhaps_ finally leave you be. If you removed the memory with that of her smiling face, _alive and well_ \- maybe _maybe_ it would be okay.

The lie sticks to your throat, slimy and foul. The voice laughs.

With a good solid 30 minutes of hesitation, you finally manage to find yourself before the goat mother, still poised on the reading chair. She looks up at you, slightly surprised.

"My child, that was a short nap- I think you need a bit more sleep." Her brows crinkle together worriedly, "Your eyes are red and you have dark marks underneath. Please, get some more rest."

You shake your head, once, twice, a few more times. You open your mouth to ask _the question_ , but it hovers at the tip of your tongue. You can't seem to get the first few syllables out.

"Is there something you wish?" The goat mother prompts you as you continue your silence. The voice is urging you too. _**Get on with it.**_

You shake slightly as you continue to _try and force the words out_. The goat mother stands up in alarm, hovering around you worriedly. With muffled sounds, you point below you and somehow manage to mumble the word _**out**_.

The goat mother's eyes widen in realization, "If you shall excuse me." She says quietly, patting your head slightly before rushing off. Her face looks much more determined than your own.

After a few steadying breaths, collecting yourself and trying to _keep the images at bay_ , you manage to follow after her.

You were escaping.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**_

 _ **Warning. Shit is kind of going down now... Like really, it is.**_

 _ **And again, this is like... I dunno. A shitty fic, made in a shitty frame of mind (if you couldn't tell ahahaha) and well... yeah. *shrugs* Enjoy or not, its now out in the world of the internet.**_

 _ **Trigger warnings? Angsty warnings? Sadness? All of the above?**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I do not, and will not, ever own Undertale or anything related to it. After all, I'm sure all of the characters in it are either a) copied dialogue or b) OOC.**_

 _ **Besides Frisk/ Chara, but well... It's more of a really sad reader insert than anything else.**_

* * *

 **Echoes of an Empty Mind**

 **Chapter 2.**

* * *

You find her already at the door, claws curled for a destructive strike against the ancient wood. She turns as the scuffled sounds of your footsteps reach her.

Her eyes are melding with sorrow, motherly love and a semblance of firm will.

"I cannot let you leave this place, my child." She announces stoically, "You are… you are fragile, small, pale. The world out there is dangerous and cruel. King _**Asgore**_ will try to take your soul. I cannot let that happen." She turns fully around to look at you pleadingly. The flames in her curled fists burst to life.

All you can see is ashes and dust. Air heaves in your throat, as tears prick at your eyes. _Don't let the before happen. Don't let the before happen._

The goat mother's face twists, "My child, do not cry! You shall like it here! I can be your mother, I can protect you and we shall be happy. Just be a good child, and go back upstairs." You do not move, and her eyes swell with tears, "My child, I do not want to do this to you. But I cannot let you leave- you are too weak. If I need to force you to return, I shall." You continue to stand still, trying to block out the visions of nightmares.

The fire comes towards you, as she continues to beg you to return to the comfort of the hall above. But you know you can't. All that awaits you there is continued nightmares of her death, of everyone's death. The image of white dust coating your skin, the haunting expression of red, rage-filled eyes. You know for your own sanity, _you need to leave._ Leave this entire place.

The fight continues on, as do the flashing images of her death. Each one forces you to stumble, jerk and whimper. One particularly horrid image causes you to trip accidentally into one of her flames. The goat mother breaths a harsh breath as you stumble into her attack.

"Please, _stop this_. Stop what you are doing!" Somehow you manage to drag your eyes up to look her in the face, and she blinks rapidly before looking away, "My child, do not look at me like that." She cries out, wiping away some of the tears that fall. Your heart hammers in your chest, tight and painful. _Does she know?! Does she suspect?!_ The whisper in your ear laughs at you, a high, condescending tone. It echoes in your brain, bounding off the walls of your soul. It clangs a horrible, dull sound.

 _ **She can tell you look at her like the murderous monster that you are. She knows you've murdered her. She knows what you did.**_

The panic rises in your throat, and you get singed. Once, twice, three times. The flames lick around you, but suddenly they part. Tears are in the eyes of goat mother before you, and shame overwhelms you. You didn't want to hurt her **again**.

"My child, _**please**_ , don't force me like this."

 _She knows how awful I am._ The sound repeats in your head like a screaming mantra. Your chest heaves and heaves. You need to leave this place. You can't let her look at you, condemn you, _**hate you.**_

" _Let me leave._ "

"No, my child, Asgore will kill you! All of those who left all died… I cannot… I cannot go through that again." Oh god, oh _god_. She was so sad, all this time, and you _murdered_ her. You killed her. Flashes of her dead body on the ground haunt you. The red eyes of you, yourself, turn and smirk at you.

 _ **Look at what you do to everyone you meet.**_

"I _**have**_ to leave!" The pressure is crushing you. You can't breathe. You _can't breathe._ Your legs shake, tears prick at your eyes, before some trickle down your cheek.

"Oh my child, please- do not cry!" The mother goat goes over to you, tears in her own eyes as well. She hugs you, but you freeze in the embrace. It wasn't as comforting as it was before. You knew these arms were once listless and cold. Salty tears fall down your cheeks. You can't hug her back. You can't accept her comfort.

You need to leave. _A monster does not deserve friends or family._

"Please, my child… Stay with me, won't you? A true _monster_ is out there." You hold in the bitter laugh, not wanting to reveal anything to her. _**Doesn't she know she's hugging the only monster here, right now?**_ The voice in your head scoffs.

"I need to leave." You choke out, once again. All that lies here are ashes, anyway. Death and ash and despair.

It was suffocating down here. A last squeeze that you don't reciprocate happens. She looks at you, crying softly. You feel so guilty for her care for you. So guilty for insisting to leave, to abandon her. But you _can't_ stay. You're corrupted. So _twisted_. You can't kill her again. You can't let the toy knife sway you, you can't let the whispers trick you into your anger and pain again.

 _You can't become the monster you fear you are._

Finally, after a teary goodbye in which the goat mother asks you not to talk to her again- not like you _would_ \- you exit the ruins. And find yourself in the snow.

The memories rush up on you and you crumble, sobbing. Relieved you had face a major hurdle was _great_ but so much more lies ahead. You know all who you meet here, you know how many you _killed_ in this valley of snow. You turn to look at the door, suddenly craving those warm arms again but you can't go back. You can't take her kindness, you can't be selfish. You had caused it all in the first place. This misery, this pain.

 _You have to suffer with it yourself. Because you are a monster that deserves nothing but pain._

Shuffling up, you shrink in on yourself as you trudge forward. Your mind replays all the creatures you had met here, and killed ruthlessly. You know how shy many of them were, how silent and sad some of them looked. You know they hadn't deserved the white, hot edge of your malice.

 _CRACK._ Footsteps follow you, just like they had last time. _Remember, it's time to make everything different._ You force away the thoughts of the past, focusing on the fact that everything _was_ going to be different now. You _hadn't_ killed the goat mother, so that was something right? You channel the inner peace, hoping to be able to be amiable and happy. You couldn't run away from the creature you were to meet in the next few minutes. You _needed_ to talk to them.

You wait patiently at the wide open bars of wood, and turn around before the skeleton has a chance to say anything.

"don't you- whoa. guess you were expecting company huh?" That voices floats over you, painful and sharp. Everything about him was guarded and wary, even the hand that was outstretched to you was defensive. You reach out and shake the skeletons hand, the air rushing out of the whoopee cushion you already knew was there creating a loud _pffffft_ sound.

You crack a fake smile at him, as he boasts of his little joke and introduces himself. You force yourself to laugh, but the sound to you seems hollow. All you can remember is how many times this creature murdered you.

 _And you deserved it._

You follow behind him as he begins chatting about being a horrible guardsmen, out on watch for humans. You want to ask him why he hadn't captured you the _first_ time- _everything would have been fine if he had done his job_ you bite to yourself bitterly- but instead choose to say nothing. The effort of talking was too much for you, anyhow. It was hard enough coming up with a believable smile.

"ah, but my brother, papyrus- he's a real human-hunting fanatic." You smile weakly at the skeleton, who was a little less guarded than when you just met him. He seemed more amiable in your presence now- especially since you tried to laugh at his jokes; making up for the time your anger and hatred caused you to be nothing more than a silent killing _**monster**_. You remember that name, the creatures image that goes along with it being unceremoniously dragged into your thoughts. _He seemed really nice._ You think to yourself. _He had thought I could be SAVEd if he offered his MERCY._

 _ **And yet, you killed him.**_

You find your breath falters for a few moments. The small skeleton looks at you curiously, before looking out into the distance. He informs you his brother was coming. He ushers you to the 'conveniently shaped lamp' like last time, and the same conversation ensues. The same puns, and you smile to him when the small skeleton looks over to judge your reaction.

You had to pretend, for real this time. You'd do what he asked, _before_. " _It'd really help me out if you kept pretending to be one."_ You were so DETERMINED to be able to ACT this time, like a true human should. Like this place deserved. You _**weren't**_ going to ACT like-

 _-_ _ **The monster you are? But ALL humans are monsters! You can't ACT any differently.**_

With the taller skeleton finally gone after an inane amount of puns that he couldn't handle, the smaller skeleton invites you back out. He laughs at you, smiling wildly. You wait for the words, this time ready to agree; _ready to pretend._

"hey, hate to bother ya… but i was thinking… my bro's been kinda down lately… he's never seen a human before… and i was thinking seeing you might make his day better. don't worry though, he's not dangerous," A chuckle happens, "even if he tries to be." Your agreement bubbles out of your lips, and the smile on his face widens even more.

"thanks a million." The skeleton responds, "we'll be up ahead." His eyes sweep over you, suddenly intense and serious. You were waiting for the words you remember from the _before_ , stealing yourself for the underlying malicious bite, "and i'm sure meeting him will make _you_ feel a bit happier too." The skeleton ambles off, the words said- perhaps more to himself than you- making waves in the contours of your mind.

You stand in place for a few seconds, your breathing coming out in spurts. _What happened?_ You think to yourself, floored at the skeleton's brand new sentences. _Where had that question gone? Why does he think I am not happy?_ You bite your lip, instantly worried. Was your pretending already so bad, that you weren't perceived to be happy at all? That he _knew?_ Did he _know_ your pretending was just that, pretending? After all, the smaller skeleton had always been an enigma. He hinted very openly at the fact he _knew_ of the power of RESETs. In the _before_ , as he murdered you so many times, he taunted you with the amount of deaths he had caused. After a while, though, that number had been more generalized, guessed. _Perhaps he forgets things_? You didn't know- obviously he must, or he _should_ have killed you right away, shouldn't he? But still he _knew_ something, whether or not he knew all of it. His hesitation of you when he meet- the pure defensive feeling radiating off of him until you touched his hand was _proof._ There was proof even in the way he regarded you, his eyes bleak and watchful.

So **_why? W H Y?_**

Steadying your breath, recollecting yourself, trying to recapture the _humaneness_ you had to feel, you walk forward. You push the whispers down; you had to be _happy_ for the skeletons. You had to be _human._ Being human meant being happy, _**doesn't it?**_ You don't recall. You don't ever recall what not feeling like a _monster_ was like. The whispers bait at you again, as you feel your own internal voice joining in. It was suffocating.

"SANS, WHEN IS THE HUMAN SHOWING UP? I WANT TO LOOK MY SUNDAY BEST! … OR AT LEAST MY TUESDAY-PRETTY GOOD."

That was odd. You don't remember this conversation from before. But slight differences had happened each time you had (been forced to) RESET in _before_ , so maybe it was fine. This time was _completely_ different after all. _No one was dead, that's for starters._

You wanted the difference, didn't you? But something was oddly comforting in repetition.

"but aren't you always wearing the same outfit?"

"... YES. BUT I THOUGHT I COULD STYLE MY HAIR."

The skeleton hums at that, "oh, good idea." His eyes flash over and look at you, awkwardly standing a few feet away. You thought you could face the taller skeleton again, but it was hard. You didn't want to walk too close to him, not with your heart beating so rapidly. Not with your palms shaky and your resolve crumbling. The blue skeleton's sockets seem to crinkle with- concern?- at your hesitant, pale-white face. You glance at him before you focus solely on the taller, orange-y skeleton. _Pretend pretend pretend pretend pretend_ reverberates in your skull.

"SANS WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT-?" His eyes glance over, and suddenly he starts, "OH MY GOD!" He announces, looking animated. He turns to his brother, ecstatic, "IS THAT-?!" He turns back, "IS THAT!" He turns around again, "IS THAT?!" The two perform a seemingly strange dance of looking towards you and then back at each other. They also twist around in a full circle a couple of times.

"IS THAT A HUMAN?!" The taller skeleton finally exclaims, swaying slightly from the spinning he did.

The blue skeleton looks over at you, before a mischievous smirk lights his face, "nah, bro. that's a rock." Comically, the taller skeleton's face falls, and he sighs.

"OH."

"but... what's in _front_ of the rock?" You do a little wave, and the taller one immediately is shocked, his hands flying up to his skull.

" .GOD." He screeches, and they do the same dance to-and-fro. They face away from you, looking like they were whispering but the taller one is much too loud to do any whispers.

"SANS, IS _**THAT**_ -?!"

"yes."

"OHMYGOD! I DID IT! I FINALLY _DID_ IT SANS! UNDYNE WILL…. I'M GUNNA… I'LL BE SO…" The skeleton hops up and down in his excitement, and you can't help but smile. Before, your anger had stopped you from appreciating this silly skeleton. He was really something, wasn't he? You hadn't noticed before, in your rage. A wave of shame and guilt floods you, choking you for a slight second

"POPULAR! POPULAR! POPULAR!" Figurative stars seem to explode in his eyes, as he dances around. You still find yourself smiling, and bring a hand up to cover the strange curve of your mouth. _**You**_ hadn't _truly_ smiled in what felt like ages. The other skeleton also smiles at you, winking. Suddenly the taller one stops, blushing slightly at his actions, "AHEM." He proclaims, smoothing his clothes. He then points a hand at you, and you freeze in your tracks. The smile vanishes instantly as the shame pools in from the small gesture.

 _Oh god, he's going to call me out on it- he KNOWS I'm pretending, oh no- oh no- I'm trying I swear-!_

"BE PREPARED HUMAN, FOR I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL STOP YOU. THEN I WILL CAPTURE YOU! AND THEN I SHALL DELIVER YOU TO THE CAPITAL! AND THEN- AND THEN…. Uh, I'm not _sure_ what happens next- BUT IN ANY CASE! CONTINUE! ONLY IF YOU _DARE!_ NYEH HEHEHEHEHEHEH!" The taller skeleton then runs off, laughing to himself. You watch him leave, feeling relieved.

 _ **Is this what you're going to do this time? Pretend all the way through? You can't hide the fact you're a monster forever. They'll notice. What will you do when they finally catch you? The REAL you? Will you kill them all over again?**_

The smaller skeleton smiles brightly at you, chuckling to himself, "well that went well." He claims, as you edge your way forward. He seems to focus on the weird look on your face, the slight shaking of your body, "don't worry, kid." He demurs, "i'll keep an _eye socket_ out for ya." You look at him, blinking. He tsks, "not in the mood for jokes?" You continue to stare, the confusion written on your face, "no worries, papyrus _will help you feel better_. he's good at stuff like that." He leaves too.

You find yourself alone again. You walk forward, stumbling. You don't want to be near the skeletons, but you don't want to be alone. The conflicting thoughts meld together into a sense of shame. _You're being so selfish_. You think to yourself. _Remember, all you have to do is keep pretending._ You continue forward, the only thing you could think of doing at the moment. The only thing that wasn't just some soul-crushing emptiness. At least it was a goal, a distraction. Something else to focus on.

It was also nice that the world wasn't bitterly quiet, this time around.

You meet the sentry dog, its vicious barking scaring you. You scream, jumping back, throwing your arms up in defense. Flashes of how you just instinctively lashed out from _before_ keep you frozen on the spot. It's eyes loom over you, laminating how it can't see things that move. You keep still, your breath hitching in your throat. All you can see is the dust that was on the ground when you had brutally killed it, MERCYllessly.

 _ **Now what will you do?**_ The whispers slam you back into the time now, and the dog still hovers around you, barking. _**You can't move. Just kill it. You did it last time. You didn't even think about it then, you monster. You just killed because you could.**_

You clutch your head in pain. You hated that voice, over and _over_ and _**over again**_ _it would call you out._ The dog barks at you, seeing you move. It attacks, slashing at you. However you hadn't moved again, and its attack seems to slide past you, harmless. Now, the dog is entirely too close to your body. You heave heavy breaths. _It's a dog. It's a dog. What do humans do with dogs? They pet them, right? Right?_ You reach a shaky hand out, keeping firm eyes on it's actions. You don't want to lash out. Even without a knife, you were a monster. You could hurt people. The dust on your hands _**proves that.**_

Shaking ever so slightly, you let your hand press against the dog's fur. It's soft and warm. Something inside of you relaxes, and you scratch the dog's skin. It felt so _good_ to touch something warm and fluffy. _Like the goat mother_. Feelings of unworthy longing spring up. You wanted to call her. You wanted to talk to her.

The dog jumps away from you, shrieking, "SOMETHING PET ME!" It yells out, looking horrified, "SOMETHING NOT MOVING!" It paces around, looking lost and scared. You retract your hand, holding one above your heart. _Rejection_ crawls in your throat, sour and strong. The dog retreats to its house, muttering how it needed some dog treats for its awful, confusing experience.

You clench your fists and try not to sob at the unwilling feelings crawling up your throat.

 _ **Awh, did the monster get rejected? It's okay, the dog probably knew how horrible you were and didn't want to be touched with your dirty, stained hands.**_

You laugh a hollow laugh, staring down at your hands in shame, "That's probably true…" You whisper, out loud. _All of it is so true._

You hate that.

Walking into the next clearing, you are surprised to find the smaller blue skeleton waiting for you there. He greets you, not without concerned eyes. You focus on anything but him, trying to rub the tears out of your face and force the human happiness out. You burble out a greeting, but it's forced and both of you notice.

"are you okay?" The skeleton questions you, and you try to reply, but nothing comes out. You don't want to answer the question, so you just shrug your shoulders. He takes that as an answer, and decides not to pry any deeper. He mentions his brother is up ahead.

"with the way things are going, i suggest you should probably learn about **blue attacks**." The smaller skeleton says, as he looks off towards where his brother was probably waiting, "and i'll give you a little tip on fighting my brother." Suddenly his eyes flash to yours, the sheen of blue intent on your face, " _ **Don't.**_ " The pupils in his eyes suddenly leaves, and the darkness of his eye sockets condemns you, judges you. His voice reverberates in your mind, echoing into every crevice, dragging out every single sin into the light of your eyes.

The darkness forces its way into your mind; the torridness freezing your soul as all you can do is stare at the smaller skeleton, his very presence growing stronger, darker- intimidating. All of your agony flashes before you, haunting and demented. Your throat constricts with a wheezing gasp, and you feel yourself shake against your will in front of him. You squeeze your eyes shut against his malice, his hatred. It consumes you, and after a few silently agonizing seconds, you find yourself able to mutter something to him. You can't recall if it is _I'm such a monster_ or _I'm so incredibly sorry_ before you stumble away. Maybe it was both.

Out of eyesight of the smaller skeleton, you collapse, heavily gasping for air. Falling, flailing, you curl up in the snow, wishing to shrink smaller, more insignificant. Tears burn their way through your eyelids and trail fire down your cheeks.

Everything spins, the world presses down on you. You heave, heave and heave for air but it doesn't come. You scream, aloud? You don't know. The pain rips out of your throat, choking you. Bile rises up after it, coating your throat in icky sludge.

You puke.

Then again. And _again._

You felt so sick of everything- _**yourself.**_ His condemned attitude of you left nothing to imagine. You _**were**_ awful. Everyone knew. You were _sick, twisted and horrible. You were trying to befriend those that you killed in the before. Everything about you was just so awfully pathetic and cheap and disgusting._

Another sob leaks out, a mangled apology to no one, everyone. You shake, curling in on yourself. Heaving. _Heaving._ _**Heaving**_.

Dry coughs happen now, shattering you to the core. You continuously cough and cough, rattling the bones in your body. You don't know how long you sit like this in the snow, crying, shaking and vomiting, but it takes you a while before you begin to calmly sit there.

Empty.

Even the voice isn't saying anything to you now.

You don't know how you manage to find yourself getting up, but you do. Perhaps it was the fact that, in your haze of hollow echoes, you saw things. A flower stem, fuzzy slippers. They hadn't interacted with you, but instead were just _there_. Maybe that spurred you forward, or maybe you were just _done_. For now. Moving forward was the only thing that you knew. Besides, of course, the obvious.

The voice, now springing to life in your head, was also urging you forward, in its own way.

 _ **Come now! The evil deeds of a monster waits for nobody, get up. You can't just show the snow and anyone watching how horrible you are. You got to make this a round trip.**_

Aimlessly shuffling forward, you find yourself face-to-face with the snowman. Your heart skips a beat, already waiting for its condemning words to you, but it greets you pleasantly. You mutter a reply, and the snowman drifts off into his speech- the same as before- and pleads you to take a piece with it on your journey. Somehow, it magically detaches a part of itself and offers it to you.

 _ **Haha, it trusts you not to take more? Go on, show it who you really are. Rip it to shreds, like I know you want to. Mangle the pristine snow. Let it reflect the face of the monster inside.**_

For a few seconds all you can do is stare at the snow piece, breath baited. With shaking hands, you carefully accept the snow piece, placing it gently in your pockets. Your hands twitch as they touch the snowman, and you back away as fast as you can. The snowman seems to look at you oddly, but it still thanks you.

You don't want it to thank you.

You cross into the next area, and find yourself staring across a large patch of cleared snow at two skeletons. You forgot you meet up with them again so soon. God, you weren't ready to interact with them again. _You weren't ready to see HIM again._

"- SANS! YOU ARE SO LAZY!" The taller skeleton proclaims, flinging his hands about in an exaggerated manner, "YOU WERE NAPPING _ALL_ NIGHT!" Instantly the smaller skeleton notices you- like you knew he would. He was always aware of you, _always on the_ **lookout.**

 _On the lookout for the_ **monster**.

"i think that's called sleeping." He announces to his brother, cheekily. But his eyes never stray from yours.

"EXCUSES, EXCUSES!" The taller one chides, but his look turns speculative, "BUT, SANS, DO I KNOW THAT HUMAN?" The innocent question pierces your heart, and you clutch at it. Your eyes widen and shivers dance on your back. All the blood drains from your face, as your legs begin to shake. _No please_ _ **no**_ _. I can't have him do that to me too._

"do you not know... who you know?"

At this, the orange skeleton sputters, "OF COURSE I KNOW WHO I KNOW… I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU KNOW…. I KNOW WHO I KNOW AS MUCH AS I KNOW WHO I KNOW I KNOW…. YOU KNOW?"

"no."

"SANS!" The younger one chides, before sighing, "THIS HUMAN IS TAKING LONGER THAN-" Suddenly his eyes catch on you. You _**h.**_

He jumps into his speech, almost immediately, "OH-HOH! THE HUMAN ARRIVES! IN ORDER TO STOP YOU… MY BROTHER AND I HAVE CREATED SOME PUZZLES! I THINK YOU WILL FIND THIS ONE… RATHER SHOCKING!" He laughs to himself, the inner joke hilarious.

You don't find it hilarious. It would probably due you good to be shocked.

"FOR YOU SEE, THIS IS THE INVISIBLE… ELECTRICITY MAZE! WHEN YOU TOUCH THE WALLS OF THIS MAZE, THIS ORB WILL ADMINISTER A HEARTY ZAP! SOUND LIKE FUN? BECAUSE, THE AMOUNT OF FUN YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE, IS ACTUALLY RATHER SMALL, I THINK."

You stand in front of the puzzle, knowing exactly what's to happen. After all, you had purposely stepped forward a bunch of times _before_. The orb was glistening in the skeletons hands, ready and waiting.

"YOU CAN GO NOW HUMAN." The skeleton says at your hesitation. You don't move, "HUMAN?" You don't want to move forward- you know _exactly what happens if you do._ Even the smallest amount of harm to him, you couldn't bring yourself to do. You were trying _so hard,_ _ **so goddamn hard**_ _._

 _ **Go forward. Zap him. You know you want to. Even just a little. Be the**_ **monster** _._

The skeleton turns to his brother, perplexed, "IS THIS PERHAPS TOO CHALLENGING TO THE HUMAN, SANS? MAYBE I AM TOO GOOD AT PUZZLE MAKING?"

His eyes are also looking at you, perplexed and speculative, "i'm not sure bro. try asking 'em."

"THAT IS ACTUALLY A GOOD PLAN, BROTHER." The skeleton cups his hands- _as if he needs that to be heard,_ "HUMAN! IS THIS PUZZLE TOO HARD FOR YOU? DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE FROM ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS?"

 _ **Assistance to die, yes**_ _-_

"Actually, I- uh," You cough slightly, the shredding sobs you had earlier making your throat itch, " I think that maybe… I should be the one holding the orb in your hands, not you." The skeleton yells at you to repeat yourself, as you said it too quietly.

You say it again, slightly louder.

The two skeletons look dumbfounded.

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?" The orange one asks of you, narrowing his eyes. You shuffle your feet in the snow, looking down.

The whispers cackle at you, _**Oh, I've already done this before. I tortured you with this puzzle too, and then killed you later. I'm trying to pretend I'm not a backstabbing, lying little monster right now, by thinking I can SAVE everyone and MERCY them, but it's only a matter of time until I snap.**_

You shrug your shoulders, "Just a feeling…" You mumble quietly.

"makes sense bro. isn't the orb supposed to be the thing that zaps 'em?" The blue skeleton offers, before the orange one proclaims you were talking too quietly once again.

"HMM. VERY TRUE SANS! PERHAPS THE HUMAN IS JUST _REALLY_ GOOD AT PUZZLES, AND NOTICED THE SMALL FLAW I WAS UNABLE TO SEE, AS I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAD BEEN TOO BUSY CREATING THE WIDE ASSORTMENT OF PUZZLES TO CAPTURE THEM WITH." The blue skeleton nods along.

"makes sense."

"WAIT THERE, HUMAN, I SHALL COME TO YOU." You wait patiently, and groan with disbelief as the skeleton hops through the puzzle-maze, making a clear path for you. He plops the orb into your hands with a "HOLD THIS PLEASE." Before running back through the puzzle.

You clutch the orb tightly, looking at it. _I managed not to hurt him with this._ You think to yourself, feeling slightly proud. Although you had managed not to hurt a lot of creatures you had killed before, managing to do this was along the lines of not killing the goat mother. The skeletons had been a big part of the picture under here, what with the youngest one trying to SAVE you and the eldest trying to FIGHT you.

" _ **Don't."**_

Your confidence shakes slightly.

"OKAY, PLEASE GO FORTH HUMAN!"

Stepping onto the footprints of the skeleton, you follow his tracks diligently. You look to the side, gripping the orb tightly. You wonder what touching the maze would feel like. _A monster like you should be zapped._

You manage to rip your eyes away from what possibly was the invisible _electric_ wall and continue to face the two skeletons. You complete the puzzle.

"INCREDIBLE!" The orange one exclaims, looking ecstatic, "YOU SOLVED THE PUZZLE SO EASILY- TOO EASILY! YOU _MUST_ BE REALLY GOOD AT PUZZLES, LIKE I HAD GUESSED! HOWEVER, THE NEXT PUZZLE WILL NOT BE SO EASY!" He waggles a finger at you, before pointing at his brother, "IT WAS DESIGNED BY MY BROTHER, SANS! SURELY YOU WILL BE CONFOUNDED! I KNOW I AM!" The skeleton laughs again, before twirling away.

You look back towards the maze, before looking at the orb in your hands. You wonder-

"hey thanks." The voice of the other skeleton breaks you out of the thought, and you turn to him, slightly backing up. His eyes roam over you, a slight brow raising in an unknown emotional manner, "my brother seems like he's having fun." He announces and you attempt a smile at him, relief crashing around in foreign spurts. It's what you had wanted out of this. _You were doing good._ The skeleton reaches over, and takes the orb out of your hands, winking at you, "wouldn't want you to accidentally get zapped now my brother is gone, would we?" He stuffs the orb in his sweater, before smiling up at you again, "did you notice the weird outfit my brother has on?"

You mention you did. You don't mention how you already know what it signified. The skeleton continues on, a familiar conversation shambling into place.

"we made that outfit a few weeks ago for a costume party… he hasn't worn anything since." The skeleton chuckles, "he keeps calling it his 'battle body'." Your smile freezes on your face at the mention of _battle_ but you manage to squash the nasty comments that rear up from the whispers jeers, "man. isn't my brother cool?" You nod your head, scrambling out the words of _yes he's very cool._ The skeleton looks appeased.

"are you feeling any _**happier**_?"

The question is posed to you as you make your quick escape. You widen your eyes and look back at the skeleton, but refuse to reply. You leave.

You _almost_ scream when you see him in the next area. You dodge past his eyes, refusing to talk to him. You come up upon the edge of a cliff, two little dog houses perched there. _His and hers_ are scratched into the wood, with a colour coded warning sign placed between them. You sigh, and prepare yourself to run past the skeleton again. He offers up no resistance, and merely watches you silently. You knew what he was doing. You knew what he was thinking. **He knows what I am.**

 _ **Everyone knows what you are. It's you trying to pretend to be otherwise.**_

You find yourself at the next puzzle.

"HUMAN!" The voice scares you a bit, and you jump, "I HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR-" A few seconds of silence, and the skeleton turns to his smaller brother, "SANS, WHERE IS THE PUZZLE?!"

"right there, on the ground." You tread carefully over to the piece of paper, and gingerly pick it up. It's a word search, "trust me, there's _no way_ they'll get past this one." But you had no pencil to write anything down on it. Slightly confused and flustered, you look up at the skeleton brothers before you put it back down. _Sorry._

The taller skeleton screeches, "SANS! THAT DID NOTHING!"

The elder skeleton tsks, "knew i should have put down junior jumble."

"WHAT?! JUNIOR JUMBLE!?" The skeleton screeches, astounded, "FINALLY SOMETHING WE CAN AGREE ON." He proclaims, "JUNIOR JUMBLE IS INDEED, A VERY TOUGH PUZZLE."

At this the elder skeleton scoffs, "junior jumbles for babybones, bro. now crosswords are tough." The taller one reacts indignantly, and before long the two brothers are bickering. Suddenly, they turn to you.

"HUMAN! YOU SHALL END THIS DEBATE. WHAT IS HARDER, JUNIOR JUMBLE OR CROSSWORD PUZZLES?"

You look between the two, shrinking at their expectant gazes, "Junior jumble…?" You mumble slightly. It was the first one poised to you, and you didn't want to perform the mental task of thinking. Just breathing seemed to be more than enough mental exertion for you.

At that, the taller skeleton boasts "SEE SANS? EVEN THE HUMAN AGREES! CROSSWORDS ARE EASY PEASY! AFTER ALL, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT Z'S IN ALL OF THE BOXES!" He laughs merrily, looking down at you before suddenly gasping, "WAIT! I NEED TO GO PREPARE ANOTHER PUZZLE!" And then he runs off. The smaller one turns towards you, getting ready to speak.

"thanks for saying 'junior jumble'-" You interrupt him, harshly, pointedly.

" _ **Don't**_ **thank me**."


End file.
